3 Tips For the Black Thumbed Gardener

I Kill Plants. Whether it’s my aura or that I love them to death…I kill plants.

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The back story: My life in Mudboots: The Garden

Trick to growing a garden when you’re a notorious plant killer.

1. Plant the garden with your mom who has a green thumb. I thought she was crazy when she brought a bunch of diapers with her to help me plant this garden.  “Um….What are those for?”  My imagination was running wild! As per the backstory above, I knew that planting a garden was hard rotten work but seriously?  Was I going to soil myself?  “Soil myself” too funny!  She actually tore the diapers open and dumped the gel into a bucket and added water. This made a slush.  As we planted, she mixed the slush into the soil.  She said it’d help the soil hold moisture longer.  Good thing,  see tip #2.

2. STAY AWAY from said garden. Seriously, dont even approach to water it. Just let God handle that.  If you approach….the plants will lay over and play dead until you retreat.  This is truth!  The longest living plant I’d ever owned was sent to me by my brother, Eddie, for my birthday.  I was certain this was a joke as my plant killing skills are infamous.  I set it in a distant corner, far away from my dwelling area just to be safe.  The plant and I developed a workable communication.  When it was thirsty, it’d lay over and I’d throw a glass of water at it and run.  We lived quite comfortably together this way for several years until I moved away and left it with new owners.  It’s currently thriving in my absence.

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3.  After planting tomatoes, prompty go on a carb free diet where tomatoes are not permitted.  They will literally not stop growing!  My neighbor’s had fresh, home grown tomatoes until well after the first snows!  I had tomatoes with snow on them! Incredible!

13 comments

  1. lololol…this was funny as hell…lol… I love this idea… I had a black thumb but things aren’t going too badly these days, Im actually taking care of my plants.. I started with cacti lol because it’s impossible to kill a cactus right…?! then I gradually started planting peppers and tomatoes…woohooo…I even grew a pineapple in a cup… I have yet to see the fruit.. I will definitely try the diaper trick..it makes a whole heap of sense…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The diaper thing is genius!! I too, am a black thumbed plant killer!! Fortunately for me, I buy my plants where there is a 12 month money back guarantee lol. For every 3 plants I get, I’m lucky if 2 survive.

    Liked by 2 people

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