In Between Someday

My husband, Clay, in the course of his career has literally traveled the world, both here and abroad, me…not so much.  I’ve never been anywhere but the small corner of the world that I called home.  His greatest desire was to expand my borders and fill my existence with a life that was truly lived but life stood in between.

He had a career to chase and we had kids to raise, a ranch to run, dogs to show and all the incidentals and responsibilities in between.  Our life and dreams became filled with “someday’s”.   Someday, we’ll sell the ranch, buy an RV, go camping, see the US, travel abroad, buy a house on a lake..someday.

We were dreamers, he and I , dreaming of the life we’d have and build together but somewhere in between, the months trickled into years and  the dream of someday died in me.   My “dreams”  became acceptance of my lot in life though the yearning made the days bitter with the discontent of endless waiting.

Clay never stopped dreaming.  He’d go on and on about his “Someday” dreams.  I’d just smile, nod and look away.  I didn’t want to kill his dreams nor the dreamer in him though I knew that he could see in the ever deepening lines on my face that I had given up.  He just dreamt bigger, enough for both of us.

I didn’t blame him, I blamed myself and the choices that I made.  I chose to marry and have children young.  Later in life with my children  grown, I chose to marry Clay who had young children and restart my life and role as a mom again.  I chose to follow his dreams, of horse ranching, racing, breeding, and owning great danes and  showing them.

These were my choices… and every single one of them was right and I wouldn’t change a thing.   My husband and children, both birthed and acquired are my most cherished treasures.  I cheered his career because I wanted him to reach for all that he wanted and I lived his dreams because I wanted his to come true.  His dream was of a  “someday” where children  were grown and early retirement where he could make mine come true.

My Life and choices hold no regret and In between the adventurous journey, I had a life well lived.  But, I am married to a dreamer, stubborn enough to dream for us both, strong enough to give them life and all the life lived in between.

My blog today seems to have written itself so  tomorrow I’ll blog about…… seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time and how he ran ahead so he could watch my face as it came into view.  I’ll write about sledding in Colorado, fearing an avalanche from our riotous laughter.  I’ll write about Yosemite Falls, New Mexico and walking hand in hand on Pismo beach, California.

I will tell you of a 2 week,  nearly 2000 mile journey across Ireland and I’ll write it from our house on the lake or on our boat dock in the backyard where I like to soak in the sun …..or perhaps on our boat that we named “Finally Someday”.

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©Laura M. Bailey, All the shoes I wear & writing down the Bones, 1990–Present. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Laura M. Bailey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

27 comments

    • Isn’t stunning, Carolyn? I had a dim image in my mind, born from photos in books and television but I was unprepared for the reality and realization that no photo or film could truly capture it. They are but vague shadows in comparison…GRAND doesn’t even come close. Lol

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  1. Yes, I sometime find myself reflecting on how my wish list (international travel, maybe even residency) had been axed by my higher wishes to have pets, provide them with superior care, never put them on a plane, self isolate, not drive 6hrs/day for a paycheck, and rarely clean house. It’s sometimes hard to remember that those things are choices/wishes too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 🙂 🙂 This gives me so much hope. Being 51 years old, I worked, raised a family, and stayed in one spot while hubby went all over the world. All I heard was “when I retire, I will take you to all the places I have been” Retirement came last year. Then another job offer that promised nothing but worldwide travel. 72 trips they did last year, and this year was to be no different. After leaving my paradise to relocate to the “new job” covid came. So, here I sit, albeit in a smaller cage, waiting for that “someday” 🙂

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  3. I love this! I am so happy that you and Clay are living the dreams together. My Larry was the dreamer, I am the realist. I will do my best to live his dreams for both of us. 💛💫

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  4. I cheered his career because I wanted him to reach for all that he wanted and I lived his dreams because I wanted his to come true.

    As have so many women, for hundreds of years.

    Not to deride anyone the choices they make, just to point out the (to me) obvious – that men mostly are single minded in their pursuit of their goals and can get someone else to help them achieve their dreams, while most women would (or used to) change or ignore what their dreams were in favour of helping make another’s dreams come true.

    The times they are-a (slowly) changing. 😉

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    • I agree and ponder it often the extreme contrast in the marital dynamics between, say, my grandmother’s era and the modern relationship and the woman’s roll. Today, more than ever the thing you mentioned from my article, is a gift? The modern woman is not required to play the sacrificial role. However, love doesn’t change. When it’s real, it’s focus is the happiness of the other above self. Note that this dynamic was working on all halves. He dreamt big enough for both…..and made those dreams happen for me….His great desire for mine.

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      • I agree! 🙂 We humans (both the male and female) when we believe we are truly in love with someone should desire the happiness of the other as a prime motivator of our actions, in the sense of ‘laying down one’s life’ for one’s fellow ‘(Hu)man’.

        The issue i have with that though is that, in a marriage, it is far more common for the woman to surrender her dream and support the man’s and rarely, if ever, does the man do likewise and surrender his for hers. 😦

        Where is the man’s ‘sacrifice’ in such a situation? How great is his love compared to hers?

        I’m not saying such a marriage cannot bring happiness to both sometimes (though i feel it rarely does) – just that it seems one-sided and not an equal partnership.

        Maybe that’s why i’m divorced, huh? 😉

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      • Lol perhaps. Haha
        I agree that it’s been then norm in society. In our circumstance, being married 11 years, he’s supported anything and everything I ever wanted to do. I’m not by far a lay down kind of woman. In fact, when he gets to where I feel he needs to pump the brakes, I don’t
        Mind telling him that ” when I’m explaining what happened to you, I’m telling them this story.” Lol
        Therefore , what he received was in my power to give or not and I chose to. On his part, he worked his ass off to care for me and our kids, I happened to not only appreciate that but showed it with my choices. Everything acquired from his career, race horses, dogs, he poured into giving me the world…so, I our case, we mutually pour our all into each other.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sounds like you have what we all wish for – a fulfilling relationship that is mutually beneficial.

        That never comes easily but takes lots of hard work and give and take. 🙂

        Congrats. 🙂

        I suspect you might agree with me that it is of greater importance to have that kind of relationship with your God also? 🙂
        (Whther you are married to someone or not).

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