I’m Dying -The Last Days Of My Life

From my very first breath through all my growth & development, even from the moment of my conception, my path was destined to a singular destination. Every moment of my life has been spent moving my story to it’s final conclusion. I am dying….and so are you.
All that we possess and may determine, is how we fill the pages of the story we write in between our preface and final page and how we wish to spend the time we are allotted.

My wonderful niece, Caitlin, is ever an inspiration to me and it is her inspiration that led to the words I offer you today.

From Cait:
I decided a week or so ago to stop living in fear. I have done my research and I know my rights. I am probably THE most non-confrontational person you will meet and avoid conflict or uncomfortable situations at all costs. But I also stand by my strong moral convictions. That being said, I have chosen to no longer wear a mask in public.
I must preface this to say that the first trial run of this was actually not by choice oops!
I have since visited many large retailers, the post office, etc. and to my people-pleasing surprise have never encountered ANY confrontation. Quite the opposite in fact! I’ve seen people pull their mask down, smile, strike up pleasant conversation waiting in line 🥰 it’s been encouraging actually.


The truth is, I have been unmasked the entire time.

Close to home: My brothers entire family has contracted COVID-19 and recovered.  My stepmothers mom, did not, though it must be said that she was in her 90’s and had struggled with serious health issue for the last several years to where she had to be placed in a nursing home.  But, it is more the words of a friend that sums up my thoughts…

Dan was in the Marine Corps with my husband and served with him in Desert Storm, longtime friends and now a pastor. Dan and his wife Beth are currently ill having contracted COVID-19 although not once leaving their home without a mask.

What Beth has to say:
While this isn’t necessarily pleasant, it isn’t any worse than any number of ordinary illnesses like having a cold, the flu or stomach bugs that we deal with normally each year. To be honest, I’m kind of even feel relieved.

Relieved???  Yes!  After these many months, she feels a sense of relief to simply get it over with, “Been there. Done that” and get on with her life.

FEAR has been by far more invasive, pervasive and prolific than the virus itself.  The FEAR of it has caused more suffering than the actual virus will for the overwhelming majority of us and has lasted far longer than the illness would’ve had we contracted it.  That’s something to think about…how we’ve allowed FEAR to rule our lives. 

 I am dying…and so are you.  And, we all must die from something.  Let that sink in a moment.  Therefore, we must decide, each for ourselves, how we will spend the time we are allotted with what we will fill the pages of our story.  Will we spend it locked away in solitary confinement, cowering in fear of something we’re likely to become exposed to anyway?  Even if I am to die of it, is this how I wish to spend my last days? 

I’m a woman of faith and thus determined that I would not become a hostage to fear.  I am and will be maskless.  I know for certain that God knows the number of my days. I will not be dying one moment prior to the day He’s chosen to call me home and not even covid can snatch my life from His hand, SO… I haven’t been very interested in entertaining FEAR.
I responded with these very words to my precious niece.

Cait: 
WOW that is alllll good stuff. Henry and I didn’t leave our house the first few weeks. We slowly began to emerge and even then took serious precautions. I sincerely regret not hugging my grandma, not inviting friends over, so on and so on especially before we moved away. I take full responsibility for allowing the FEAR of covid to steal so much from my relationships the past 6 months 💔


If these are my last days, I want to spend them outside in awe of the majesty of all my Father has created, enjoying the smiling faces of dear friends, feeling the warmth of my grandchildren in my arms and my mothers kiss upon my cheek.  


I am dying and these may be the last days of my life but til my last breath….I am determined to live.
 

34 comments

  1. Laura, I respect your opinion, although perhaps the infection rate is not so bad where you are? Since almost Day 1, we’ve had “community spread” in our area so masks have been important. I don’t wear a mask out of fear, but out of concern. As Jesus said, “what you do for the least of these you do for Me.” That includes the vulnerable among us. Our town & county has 13 developments for retirees, thus a big elderly population. In Henrico County (@ 40 mins from us) in one retirement/ rehab center over 75 people died from a COVID-19 outbreak. Each person who dies leaves loved ones who miss their presence in their lives. I guess I don’t want to be the cause- however unwittingly – of anyone’s death or suffering. So I choose to wear a mask inside public buildings and follow CDC guidelines.

    Blessings to you & your family in these challenging times! 🌟🌹🙏🌹☀️

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience where you are, with us. You are right in my are not being very effected although we had expected it to as the local community is largely retirees and we are a big tourist and vacation spot as well. During summer on a typical year, we host 4.7 million vacationers from all over. This year we exceeded 13 million! Yet, have from the beginning only suffered 9 deaths. Our area is very outdoor living with a huge lake for boating, swimming, watercraft, fishing,, mountains with parks and hiking trails….most activities are centric to fresh air and Sunshine but also allows for enjoying life in the perfect social distancing environment.
      I do believe in being responsible. People who have a cough or sneezing should stay home and at a minimum, wear a mask if leaving home is necessary, I’m a fan of distancing too in public. We dont need to breathing in each others faces to talk to each other. Lol And people who via their jobs where they are exposed to the public should certainly wear masks for the sake of their health and families at home.
      I’m merely not going to obsess to the point that I isolate from my loved ones and the world while I am and they are perfectly well. I think too that for the majority of us who are healthy, if we can infect one another by simply talking to one another from 6 ft way, that masks aren’t going to be much help to us. Our area has remained open for the most part throughout and only a couple weeks ago had any stores put up a requirement for masks and even still, if you have a medical condition. Asthma, COPD, or simply cant breathe with them on, you don’t have to oblige wearing one. If half the populus isn’t wearing them anyway due to extenuating circumstances, not sure sure how effective it can be one the whole for our particular community? I do feel it is every persons right to decided how best to protect their health and families so I do dislike hearing people disparage those who do wear them as well as mask shaming those who don’t. I pray we all come through this with as much resiliency as we have all the others we have faced before.
      Be well friend. Blessings to you and your family during these confusing times.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Laura, this is SO powerful! I made up my mind from the beginning that I would NOT live in fear. I’ve been through worse things in my life. At the beginning, I was in my bed one night at 2 a.m. or so, and a fear tried to get a hold of me. I immediately began praying till I felt the peace of God flow over me. I have consciously made a point to not fear. God holds my times in His hands! What a safe place to be!

    I, personally, made up my mind that I will spend time with my family. If it’s my time to go, if I get it, at least I spent it surrounded by the love of family. I will continue to go to church. I can’t speak for anyone else. I feel we have to do what we feel is best for us. Thanks for sharing this!

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  3. I think one of the things they aren’t saying but my doctor told me. The thing about this he said is concerning for him is that it is so contagious. More than anything thing he has ever seen, and he has been my doctor for a little over 40 years. He didn’t say deadly, he didn’t say worse than anything else out there only “the most highly contagious he has ever seen” He also told me that there are 6 strains of it. (this was back in May, there maybe more now) This is what causes some to have such severe cases, and some don’t have symptoms at all.

    This causes me to believe that if there are 6 strains, and highly contagious would explain why people in places like nursing homes that are dying more might not necessarily be due to existing conditions but the strain they caught. Just like back home they tested the prisoners and said 28.9% had it but were ALL asymptomatic. Once again leads me to believe since it is so highly contagious, and them all being in a confined space caught the same strain that doesn’t have symptoms. It also makes me think of the stories you hear that this whole family got it, and there are deaths but in other cases there are not.

    I wear a mask but I am not going to be the mask police, nor am I going to go crazy on people if they don’t. No more than I can make people not go out with a normal flu, or cold and spread those germs. And before some one rips into me those are deadly for me. I am allergic to ALL man made meds(except for 2 that we know of) and so yes if I get a flu or cold it can kill me. If I get sick I have to suffer through and hope for the best.

    The fact is, it is here. No amount of fear will keep you from getting it. No more than you can prevent getting the cold. Fear will weaken you and most certainly not help. I will not be fearful of a virus that I can not control. Great post Laura as always 🙂

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    • Wonderful input and insights, Margaret! Thank you so much for sharing this! In my area, we are a huge vacation spot with a lake and mountains. It’s very much an outdoor living, fresh air and sunlight, area. Normally during the vacation season, we host 4.7 million vacationers. This year, with more highly effective states closing down their residents fled to here and this year we’ve had over 13 million! All from more highly effected areas and yet, we’ve had 9 deaths since the very beginning. I wonder if being outside in the fresh air and sunshine is the difference in why, although no businesses required masks at all until just a few weeks ago here and we had remained almost completely open throughout with very minimal effects compared to other areas?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Its the same way back home. Beach, tourist area. It’s been flooded with triple the amount of people, for the same reason. and 6 “resident” deaths. Plus 2 deaths from “visitors” who came there to be with family members to ride out the virus. The local health department said those really can’t be counted as “deaths” because they were not residents. Those deaths have to be counted in their county of residence.

        There it’s pretty much wear a mask, don’t wear a mask attitude. I mean you are suppose to wear one but no one is enforcing it. The family who have repaired my cars for over 25 years all had it. It started with the wife who is a dental field. Then it spread through the whole family from the elderly to the infants within a week. Their business was shut down for a couple of weeks. Not because they were made to but everybody was sick, and no one to run the shop. They are all better now. It took 6 weeks total time from first person getting it to all testing negative.

        The business that fixes my heat and air, and have since I was a teen fixed a womans A/C, got a call from health department 2 days later that she had died of “covid” they all had to be quarantined, and get tested. None of them got it. The lady was elderly, and had family from out of town visiting. They have had “record numbers. Almost triple the number of tourist this year, as opposed to last year this time” According to the local paper. hahaha the only paper 🙂

        Why is it effecting some places more than others? Why do some get it an not others? I have no idea. I try to educate myself based on what I can find and act accordingly. I refuse to panic. I mean it will get to you for a hot minute when submersed in all the information that is out there. Being freaked out, worried, angry doesn’t help your immune system or make for a happy life.

        I am like you if these are my last days I want to live them. I walk everyday, even in this congested city I am in now. God blessed me with a huge neighbourhood just a half mile down the road full of trails, a pond, lots of greenspace where I can walk for hours without having to be near anyone. Actually I can walk for hours and see no one 🙂

        Maybe it is being relaxed, decompressed and not stressed that is why areas like your home, and my home in NC have such low death rates?

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  4. There is a lot of fear an anxiety about to be sure. I personally have not felt fear for myself. I am deeply concerned about the precious older generation and those with health conditions that make them vulnerable. It is distressing to see some people going to extremes because they are so afraid. We spend most of our free time outdoors where we don’t wear masks. The government does not ask us to.

    I work for the NHS and interact with lots of vulnerable patients, so we wear full PPE not just for our own safety, but to protect them. I would never question this. This adds up to many hours of mask wearing each week. I have seen so many patients lose their lives to this virus, but all that I know where advanced in years.

    The UK government asks us to wear masks on public transport and in shops. (There are those who have exemptions for various reasons). I have only used public transport twice since February (to get to and from Euston Station where when I caught the train up north to see family) and walk the rest of the time. As for shops, well, I don’t think I spend more than half an hour doing my grocery shopping. I have not done any other shopping for a long time. Why would I ever complain about wearing a mask for half an hour to buy my groceries when I happily wear a mask for the NHS for many hours a week?

    There may be some measure of protection in the use of facemasks, but I think there may be also be a factor of restoring people’s confidence to get outside and mix with other people. I know of some people who are still going to extremes in isolating themselves because they think there are so many careless people out there. Our media has shown parties and gatherings of hundreds of people – primarily to dance, drink alcohol etc. That upset people who are trying to be sensible, balanced and reasonable.

    I look at scriptural principles to guide me. The Mosaic Law contained instructions on hygiene and quarantine in case of infectious diseases. They were there as a protection and today Bible scholars have marvelled at how “ahead of their time” they were. That was because our Creator knew how infectious diseases spread. Although Christians are not bound by the Mosaic Law they can still benefit from the wonderful wisdom within which protected the Israelites for centuries. Now Christians are bound by the law of the Christ – including love for God and neighbour. When it comes to what the authorities/governments ask of us, I think Christ made it quite clear, “Pay back Caesar’s things to Caesar, but God’s things to God”. As human governments are allowed to exist for the moment, if they ask me to wear a face mask in a particular setting (which in the UK is primarily in shops and public transport) there is no scriptural reason to object.

    But I think in line with your post Laura…there is nothing as wonderful as getting outside and enjoying creation. It is so good for us in every way, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I have been looking up at the stars (can’t see many in London skies) and contemplating the power and wisdom of our Creator. I am sure His deeply concerned with the distress that people are experiencing. He has given us so much.

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    • I do love so much the interaction of different and same perspectives on this topic in the comments and so wonderful to see that although some may have a completely opposite opinion, even those are kind and respectful of each other…caring. I do think that I should have included in this post the importance of continuing in community service, caring for our high risk neighbors, shop for them, deliver doorstep, and above all, reach out to them and connect. Dealing with long term conditions alone can be depressing but couple that with seclusion can lead to deep and sometimes dangerous depression.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely Laura. I would hope that most people are capable of expressing their opinions with tact and consideration for the feelings of others. (I know some do not seem to have any wish to dignify those that do not share their opinion, but if that is their outlook, they may find people are scared to talk to them at all!)

        I was thrilled when I did go up north to see that everyday my parents tune in with a zoom group of their friends. They have such a great time chatting and laughing and singing. But they also use that to identify if anyone needs any extra help. The younger members of my family are very quick to respond to that as not everyone else has someone they feel comfortable asking to run errands for them. My parents are out walking now which is great for their spirits and their health. But throughout the months of March through to July (when the most restrictive of restrictions were being lifted) they had calls, letters and emails everyday.

        Even if we are asked to take precautions that may be uncomfortable for us, there are still so many ways to show love, kindness and support to each other, especially considering some may be more anxious and lonely than ever.

        I do understand where you were coming from in some of the points you made above. Of course your hope and faith are important to you and they will influence your outlook. But I don’t think you would question the use of seatbelts when driving or a guardrail on the stairs to prevent a small child falling. There are so many safety measures that are an everyday part of their lives that we respect and cooperate with. You are very right in mentioning the scale of fear that spread like wildfire (I am still scratching my head at how on earth that resulted in toilet paper hoarders – which tells me what the biggest fear was for some people!) But on the whole, I still believe that the vast majority of us can still enjoy a wonderful fulfilling life whether we are asked to wear face masks in certain settings or limit the size of social gatherings or quarantine if we have symptoms of the virus. I don’t think these ASKS are there to ruin our lives. I think they are just measures to limit the collective damage.

        I know it might seem odd in some areas. I live in London. Some of my family live in remote parts of Snowdonia. But they also receive a lot of tourists and they are glad when those visitors observe all that the government is asking of us. If it was just locals in the supermarkets they may not see the need for the restrictions, but their shops fill up with holidaymakers from all over the UK. They feel protected by shoppers wearing face masks and by the store staff cleaning counters and credit card machine keypads etc. There are a lot of older folks who live in Snowdonia.

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      • These are excellent points! I’m so glad for you to share your thoughtful insights. And, I’m equally happy that your parents are finding creative ways to keep connected with others so the they dont have to feel isolated.I 💕

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  5. I would say my take is similar to Dorothy’s opinion. I would like to think reasonable people can have a respectful difference of opinion. I’m happy that Beth’s experience was not unpleasant. I think that’s the tricky part–not everyone has the same reaction. I know some folks who have mild symptoms and others who describe it as the worst medical experience they’ve ever had. We ought to be able to take precautions without living in fear. There is a bit of a balancing act for sure. I’m a retired teacher, and it bothers me that I’m starting to see a bit of a backlash toward educators who are fearful for their safety or the safety of their family members.

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    • That is terrible, Pete. There’s definitely specific situations in which people find themself at much more risk than the rest of us by either caregiving or mere volume of exposure to others. All my sisters in law are teachers too.
      I dont think we should blame others for they care they take for their safety and they safety of others at all. They too must decide what that is for them and how they want to manage this current time.
      I myself have always washed my hands, having taken course in Aseptic Technique, am aware of transference, how long infectious thing may live on a surface etc. I have never been one to enjoy crowded anything where people are crushed together or those who stand too close….I don’t care that much for most people in general. Lol
      For me not wearing a mask in walmart…I keep in my personal space and chat them up from there. If I’m sneezing, even from seasonal allergies or not feeling well, I stay home. If in the presence of someone fearful.. .I’ll put on a mask out of consideration for them…not because I fear for myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I urge everyone to follow and read former NYT reporter and author Alex Berenson on Twitter.

    He is a stunning must read on this issue, really.

    Ok personal experience here: one person I know contracted it in February. He was in his mid-70’s and passed away two weeks ago. Mostly on vent since mid-March. I am assuming sepis finally set in.

    Several other people I know have had Covid. The teen jumped back up in 3 days time, no meds.

    Two people I know from work had it, mid 30’s, couldn’t get HQR, both sick for at least 3 weeks.

    My best friend’s husband, 52 was really sick, his local doctor wouldn’t prescribe HQR unless the patient went to ER. We went online and got a doctor to prescribe it. Local pharmacy filled it and he was better within 24 hours.

    Friend’s daughter got it. She works in a hospital and the hospitalist prescribed HQR THAT DAY and she was fever free and better within 3 days. She’s about 48.

    I tried to get HQR to take as a prophylactic because I have some high risk factors including a public-facing job and I got turned down by my doctor of 20 years.

    So I’m on the Zelenko protocol.
    So far, so good.

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    • Wow! What is with the withholding of what has been shown to work? …I dont think I’d like the answer. I’m glad you are doing what you can to stay well. A public job, caregivers etc run a much greater risk than I do as a retired person living on a lake. Though, as I say this, I know there is an elder couple with health issues right here who have not left home since the beginning, taking every precaution, allowing no one into the home and doorstep deliveries only and weirdly, contracted it!?
      I pray for you, Angel. Pray for me, and whatever will be, we’ll know we’ll be just fine.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I do understand the idea of not letting fear dictate our lives, but I disagree totally on the wearing of masks. I don’t think it is a choice, in Vermont it is mandated and that is probably one of the reasons we have the lowest infection rate. Are they perfect, no. Do they help keep the disease from spreading, yes they do. Wearing a mask is not saying “I submit to the Universe,” but rather it is saying that I understand that I may have the virus and not even know it and I don’t want to infect a little baby or a pregnant woman or a teenager with asthma, so I’ll take whatever simple steps I can to be a good member of this society. It’s not about not being afraid to catch the disease, it is about not wanting to spread it to others.

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  8. Hi Laura, from little ol’ NZ.
    I hear exactly what you are saying. While I am not afraid for myself, I choose to wear a mask when in close proximity to others out of respect for the lives of those who are far more susceptible than I. I work as an in-home support worker for the vulnerable and I sure DON’T want to be responsible for shortening their lifespan. I also depend on my job to keep a roof over my head, so if I can remain well, that is best all round. From many who have come through this virus, they report ongoing health issues that they didn’t have before and cannot seem to shake. So for me, wearing a mask is definitely out of respect for others, not out of fear!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are an essential person whose both more at risk due to your job and exposure and because of that, a greater risk to the vulnerable. I do not dun nor disparage those who choose to wear a mask and understand the positions of those caring for others, of high personal exposure and those who are at risk due to age and or health conditions.
      I believe that we should continue practicing community where we doorstep deliver food, supplies and medicines to our at risk nieghbors so they dont have to risk public exposures and they can stay safely at home if they wish.
      As for everyone else, I think each much decide for theirselves on a personal level whether wearing a mask or not and simply maintaining distance in public.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. The CDC put out an article on how ineffective masks are in preventing smoke inhalation, and smoke particles are much larger than virus molecules. So what exactly are we wearing masks? There is a a very real sense in which certain parts of our leadership class are trying out how much they can use FEAR to control us. I’m with you on God’s sovereignty over the time and place of our death. That should be our sole source of comfort on this issue.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I, too, refuse to live in fear. As a Respiratory Therapist, I am torn on the mask issue. Fully knowing that simple cloth masks offer no protection, I only wear them for the peace of mind of others- and then only if I must.

    Liked by 1 person

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