Life: Things I Can Do Without

My husband….is he crazy or what? I swear there are times that he opens his mouth and I whiplash around to see who he’s talking to! I know he’s not talking to me or he wouldn’t be saying such crazy things. I cannot tell you how often, after 14 yrs together, that I just stare at him and think, “You’ve met me, right?” Again recently, I thought that very thing.

Since Clay retired, he and I both have put on just enough weight to feel self conscious and avoid each other while changing. Actually, I feel like I’m wearing a jello suit. Yuk! So naturally he’d stop by a spa to inquire about a massage for my birthday. See My Face…..

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“I’m an introvert as it is but add in, uncomfortable in my own skin, feel flubbery and really don’t even want him to see me in the buff…what could possibly be grander than some strange woman oiling me up and rubbing all over me?” (See more face above.)

“It’s a deep tissue massage.” He says. “It’ll be good for you!”

“Listen up. If anyone’s going to be rubbing about on my naked body fat, it’ll be when we’re waaay off on a trip somewhere where I’ll never have to see them again!”

He dies laughing.

But, that struggle is real isn’t it? There are simply some folks you just do not want to run into at the grocery and have them chatting you up, right?

Here’s my short list:

Gynecologist

I drove all the way to another town for an annual checkup only to discover the new GYN was the doppelganger of Stephan King. As if that weren’t creepy enough, he was so nervous or embarrassed by it all that he couldn’t look me in the eye and spoke mostly to his shoes. The nurse rolled her eyes, neither of us believing he’d chosen the right field of study.

The upside is that there is little chance he’d attempt chatting me up at the grocery should we meet up. I peg him as a runner.

The guy who does your colonoscopy – Nope. Never want to see nor discuss old times with this guy.

Note: I will say that I felt the 2 above should’ve had to “put a ring on it” or at the very least, bought me dinner first.

Brazilian Waxer

Have you ever been to an upscale salon and had someone try to high pressure sell you on a Brazilian Wax AKA the full monty chassis wax? Sweet J-sus!!! I couldn’t get out of there fast enough! Two things, well three really…. 1. I find waxing my brows to be unpleasant, cannot imagine what that must be like. 2. Horrified at the thought of some strange woman (who’s chosen this for a career), funnying about my undercarriage and, 3. whatever do these people talk about when you leave? Not mine, thank you! I certainly wouldn’t want to run into this one again. “Hey! How’s your grow out coming along?” Egads!

And while not on my top tier of folk I’d rather not bump into, I’d rather not be seeing the stranger who spent an hour oiling and kneading my body fat like she’s baking bread!

Who would be on your list?

41 comments

  1. Lol. I don’t suffer from embarrassment so the only people I dread seeing are my arch enemies (close friends who hurt me deeply many years ago but keep showing up in random places… like the entrance to a concert in Hollywood. Why couldn’t they have been inside already??).

    For the record, the Asian waxing girls DO talk about the what they’ve seen and do not, generally, enjoy the work.

    I would LOVE to run into my former primary care doc, who did my annual gyn exam one year. He’s gay and we had a great bond. I HATE those exams and decided to have fun with it. I waited for him in high heels and a black robe, with identical shoes for him (he didn’t wear them… boo!). I told him, “make this fun!” So he told me, “lay back so I can check you rack!” then gave me a nip flick. It’s the only time I found the process tolerable!!

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  2. I had a great GYN-OB but….seriously he looked like Dracula. He had black slick hair, white skin, thin, just like the dracula from the old days. The reason I stuck with him for over 40 yrs…..he had comics tapped on the ceiling. You could look at Peanuts and jokes while being exam ed.

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  3. Howdy this is kinda of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
    I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience.
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  4. I have had an internal exam where the bastard doctor brought in a dozen medical students who all looked so far up my nether regions they could see the bottom of my tonsils. Sadly I DID meet one of them at a party a few weeks later. I’m still mortified 30 years later.
    I met my ex’s barrister in the supermarket 6 months after he defended my ex for assault against me. He started chatting to me, obviously recognising me but equally obviously, not remembering how! I reminded him so ….eloquently… I don’t think he’ll ever chat up a woman again 😂

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  5. Ha ha ha – now you have me laughing. I like to think none of that bothers me, but then I remember that time we moved and my one daughter made a new friend, and when I dropped her off at the new friend’s house it was the doctor who had delivered my three children. Awkward, lol. Seriously though – a massage is the best.

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  6. Hilarious, I would have to say any paramedic who removed the pants to stab ilife the ripped groin I suffered when I was 20. The sonogram techs who did the first few procedures when I was finding out if I had testicular cancer. Although, now, I just don’t care.

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  7. I feel the same way…nobody sees this body!!! Although the older I get the less I care. But I did about die when I found out Dr Dennis is our neighbor as he was my Dr a few yrs ago. Then I have my X#1 right here in our yard. My first thought was “oh no! I have 2 neighbors who have seen me naked!!” Lol!!!

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  8. That cracked me up.

    I was in a car wreck when I was 17. Unfortunate me was wearing a bra with pads I’d cut out of a different bra. It was very tight.

    In the emergency room they had to cut off my clothing. (Pretty serious wreck.)

    When they cut the bra those foam pads sprung forth like twin catapults.

    Dead silence ensued, then I laughed.

    I had to. I thought, “Well, that’s the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen and I got it over with relatively early in life. Okay.”

    Every trip to any gynecologist ever after: “Angel, undress from the waist down. Oh, you already did. Hold on, let me grab the sheet.”

    Liked by 3 people

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