Choose Wisely…


I ran across this today and thought it to be something worthy of sharing  furthermore,  it’s something every man or woman in any stage of relationship needs to read and process.

“Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)”
Written by Brian Reeves

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realise now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.
Choose wisely. ॐ



  1. I’m really struggling with this one. Read it first thing yesterday morning, wrote a long comment then promptly deleted it.

    What I keep thinking is this: my husband didn’t always choose me and in one instance, I didn’t choose him. He had several short term physical affairs and one longer term relationship in which he absolutely loved the girl he was having an affair with. (Many years later I had a brief emotional connection to a good friend, but didn’t cross physical lines. Not that that makes me any better. I probably would have been physical with the guy if I wasn’t afraid of God punishing me…)

    But way back then we were headed for divorce and to be honest, I was ok with that.

    Then my husband’s girlfriend died. (She was a brittle diabetic.) A few months later, his mother was killed in a car accident. Divorce was on hold, naturally.

    I didn’t still love him, and I wasn’t even angry anymore. It just was what it was.

    Then one night I heard him crying and went in the den (where he now slept) and just held him. I felt sorry for him, he had lost so much.
    So I comforted him the best way I knew how.

    Six months later, I assume I’m going through menopause. God had other plans. After 14 years of secondary infertility (and never using birth control after the birth of our daughter) I discovered I was pregnant. Six months pregnant at age 43.

    That sweet little blessing from God is about to start driving!

    So maybe I’m just one person saying it, but I honestly believe that somethings can definitely be overcome in a marriage and God can fix some very broken people.


  2. This is excellent. Most of the time our natural self-centeredness is what drives us into a relationship…and we inevitably find disappointment when the contract we had in our imagination (usually unknown to the other) isn’t fulfilled by the partner. If I ever meet another possible marriage partner, I’m bringing a briefcase full of questions to ask him–and if he’s unsure of his answers, I won’t move forward with him. And if he doesn’t have a briefcase full of questions for me, I’ll suggest he call me when he gets organized.


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