Non-resolution: Owning My Crap

Have you made any resolutions this year? Many do, most don’t fulfill them statistically and others don’t bother for that exact reason. In 2017 my resolution was to stop smoking by way of vaping where I could systematically reduce the nicotine. I started smoking at 13 and being that I was turning 55 in a couple weeks… that’s a long time!

January 1, 2017, I smoked my last cigarette. Smoking is my only true vice and having started at the highest nicotine 30mg, back when that was still legal, worked my way down to dropping my dosage to 3mg! Nowhere left to go from there except to 0mg.

There were some real positive effects from the switch. First and most importantly, within days, the frightening, constant, wracking cough that I’d developed in the months prior had vanished! I could breath and began to get physically active again, taking up a sport, Pickleball.

Does this mean that I’ll be taking up jogging? Heck no! (Trying to keep right with Jesus! See post link below) The next to recover were the senses of taste and smell. I’ll just be honest with you, smelling is overrated. Most things stink! Lord, I can smell a smoker from a mile away and dog food a block away in a sealed container! Eck!

Owning my crap. About 2 yrs later, I started smoking again. I guess it doesn’t really matter why because owning your crap means No More Excuses. There’s a saying: A man given to making excuses is rarely good for anything else. I tend to agree.

January 1st of this year, I jumping back on that horse. Bereft of my go-to for dealing with stress during those first few highly stressful days ahead, ya’ll may consider sending a prayer or 7, this way. Oh not for me…for my husband! Lord help him!

Life According To Laura: Running

While I tend to think of it more as goal setting, this year I do have a list. I want to do a happiness project. Are you stunned? I have such a funny outlook on life, given to bouts of hysteria and overall shenanigans.

The truth of it is, that I suffer from depression and anxiety so when I’m feeling well, I grab onto life and laughter with both hands, wringing out all the joy I can before the darkness falls on me again.

I realize that I haven’t mentioned this before but it’s simply not what I want my blog to be about. There are plenty enough of those out there. I don’t want a pity party nor do I want it to define my life or control it. I deal with it, you don’t have to but if I ever feel like I’m sinking or losing, I will speak it, agreed?

I manage my depression without medication though D3 is important, especially since my thyroid removal. I’ve learned that the feelings aren’t real but rather a biochemical issue, that I don’t need to rationalize the sadness nor try to attach the sadness like blame to anything, situation or person and to accept it for what it is with the knowledge that it won’t last forever.

One of the tools I use to manage depression is prayer. I start my mornings having a cup of coffee and conversation with God. My morning conversation consists of counting blessings one by one and thanking Him for each.

Thank you Father for providing me with a home, shelter, for clean water…thank you for warmth in the winter and cool in the midst of summers heat….thank you for choosing me as unlovable as I am and loving me in spite of myself…etc. It helps to redirect my emotions from sadness to gratitude. And let’s be honest, telling God how my hard my life is, is like….

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That being said, I read this statement which gave me pause to think…

Real relationships come with real rights and real responsibility = duty
When someone says “I dont have any strong relationships.” I ask, to what degree are you engaging with the responsibilities that accompany real relationship? Duty implies responsibility = implies real relationship.

Therefore, I’m going to be engaging more with the responsibilities involved with my relationship with God.

Clay and I are beginning a journey of health and vitality. Only God knows the number of days He’s allotted to us but I do believe that to some degree, we can choose how we live them. We can spend them aged beyond our years, sickly and feeble or we can take care of the bodies we were blessed with and live our best lives.

We are going back to Keto or at least dropping the carbs. This will be a huge switch, more so for me than mister carnivore. As you know I have a huge sweet tooth and momma likes to bake! I do not know what will happen to me with the absence of gummy bears! D3 and LOTS of prayer!

This diet is ideal for Clay though. He’s such a meat eater that instead of a wife, I feel like a single mother of 1, hiding vegetables under his meat! I once told him that if he passed away before I did that I would become a vegetarian. He’s such a meat eater that my statement literally made him mad! Lol

Next goal, I need to work on nurturing my husband. It’s easy with time and age to become complacent, lazy, selfish.

Since Clay retired, he has really gotten in my lane and I’ve gotten real annoyed with him encroaching upon my territory. He’s decorating the house!!!! He actually bought all new christmas decorations too! I could just choke him.

The guy who hasn’t made his own plate in 15 years is standing in my kitchen telling me how to cook, knowing I have a knife! I told him I thought he may have grown a uterus. (or something along that line. *wink*) and we may need to get him a hysterectomy for his own good.

I’ve become impatient with him when what he needs is my understanding, that after a lifetime of working to provide for the family and now retiring, he doesn’t quite know where his lane and realm of rule is anymore.

His identity as a man has been so closely associated with his career, role as the provider and his self worth wound tightly within that frame that he’s now unsure of his identity and worth. It’s a difficult adjustment for him and he deserves my help, support, patience, understanding and my bolstering.

I need to assure him of his worth, his invaluable nature in my life. I need to help him realize that all those things were merely a distraction that drew his focus from the true source of his worth and identity …the Lord, and I’m going to do better at providing these.

There it is, the non-resolution goals for this year. I’m sure there are others that I’ll incorporate along the way and surely you will be reading about them too as you know I’m a chronic oversharer. Are you setting goals? I’d love to hear all about them! Until then, Blog On, friends!

Always With Love – Laura ๐Ÿ’•

54 comments

  1. Laura, you find unique ways to get “real” in this post. At the same time, the message pivots to our faithfulness in prayer. With God in our corner, we just need to trust His guidance. Blessings to you and Clay as you both embrace a new chapter in your journey.

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    • Thank you so much sweet friend for stopping by and making my day with your lovely comment!
      “With Hod in our corner, we just need to trust His guidance “. Amen!!!!
      Hugs to you and many blessing in the year ahead ๐Ÿ’•

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  2. Over sharing maybe but it is good to write it down. I laugh at the Clay mentions but I say go for it – not the knife bit ๐Ÿ˜‚ love and health to you both in 2022 ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’•

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  3. Laura, I LOVE your authenticity and open heart! I’ve struggled with addiction; it’s the hardest thing. OWNING it and calling it what it is–that’s taking control! I try to set goals often but haven’t had a New Year’s resolution in a long time (in 2000 I gave up Dr. Pepper for various health reasons–haven’t had a soda since other than a diet Sprite). My goal is to be better than yesterday! I set huge goals last year in self-publishing my first children’s book. I will continue my marketing on that and writing the next one maybe towards Fall? I just take one day at a time, give myself and others grace, and keep moving forward. Sometimes I sit with my sadness. And that’s ok! For with faith, I flow and believe! Sending you love and hugs for a healthy, peaceful, and blessed new year. I’m proud of you my friend! ๐Ÿค๐Ÿ’šโค

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    • Best comment ever! Thank you so much, Friend๐Ÿ’•
      Being better than I was yesterday….now that’s a worthy goal and I’ll embrace that with you fully!
      “Sometimes I sit with my sadness. And that’s ok. Fir with faith…” I love that so much! What a beautiful way to put it.
      I’ll take that love & hugs and send some back to you. Proud to call you my friend๐Ÿ’•
      May your joys be overflowing the year ahead.
      XOXO

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  4. No resolutions made here! I too can call into a place of depression from time to time, but remember how much better I have it than so many others and that tends to help me regain perspective. My bouts are firmly tied to physical issues/limitations (pain, the unseen enemy and others I won’t name) and the lack of understanding it can bring. Prayer and my relationship with the Lord are what keep me going and out of the mud puddles of life.

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    • Do it!!!! BUT, make sure you start out with high enough nicotine to curb cravings then work your way down. Don’t be discouraged if it makes you cough at first. It’ll only last a few hours to a day.
      I cannot that you enough for gummies!!!!!!!! Whoohoo! I’m in heaven๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

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  5. Happy New Year, Laura! Congratulations on your pursuit of better health. Sounds like you are doing awesome with that! I don’t really make specific resolutions anymore because I just end up feeling bad when I don’t keep them lol. I do, however, think about ways I can make my life better in general. This year I’m going to try to focus on how I treat my body overall. I sometimes tend not to take care of myself as well as I should. Things like staying hydrated (I’m TERRIBLE at drinking water), taking my D3 regularly, moving my body more, and consuming less news (which I think is a key factor in anyone’s anxiety level). Hopefully it will be a year of a healthier body and mind.

    Wishing you all the best for your new year!

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    • I was confused for a moment on whether you wrote this or If I did. Lol. I’m absolutely rotten at taking fluids! I’ll have a cup or 2 of coffee in the morning and as I’m sitting down to dinner at night, realizing that it’s the 1st glass of any fluid I’d had all day! I’ve been just awful about self care too. I could show myself some love, soak instead of quick shower, lotion, file and buff nails…just give myself a little pampering…maybe by I’ve myself permission to be worth some nice products and the time to care for me instead of always rushing through my life. Less news has certainly excellent advice for everyone who wants to be happier!
      Happy New year! May your year be blessed with joy overflowing!!๐Ÿ’•

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      • Haha, yeah sometimes I feel like my daily fluids consist of coffee and wine. I’m happy to report I’ve had 48 oz. of water today! This is the year that we will do better at loving ourselves. ๐Ÿ™‚

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      • I might get 32 oz in today. Lol But, that’s progress! Hahaha I was kind and patient with my husband today though I can’t say the same about with AT&T. They can’t seem to get my bill correct and I have to call every month and spend forever on the phone on hold. I lost patience with them around the 3 hour mark and 8th transfer. I’ll pray extra long tonight as I’ll have some explaining to do after that call. More time on spiritual life – check. I cooked and delivered dinner to my neighbor for her 1st day on a new job….kind to others – check. 1st day on Keto diet – check. Altogether a pretty good start. Lol ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’•

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  6. This is real and real real real ๐Ÿ˜
    Thanks for sharing, Laura. I especially loved the points that had to do with your response to Clay. I’ve learnt from it, even though my husband isn’t even close to retiring ๐Ÿ˜

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  7. I’m really wanting to cut down on the wine and the sugar and try to be more active. Now I’m working in a job caring for and supporting others who are chronically unwell, I need to be the best I can be.
    The hardest thing is rejecting hubby’s offer of a nice chilled glass of Pinot Gris at the end of a long day ๐Ÿ˜ž. I too will share that age with you Laura, and I want to get to the end of the year feeling healthier in all respects… physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Let’s go girl!

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    • Let’s do it! We’ll support and encourage one another! I just had my last glass of a deep red wine called chocolate shop….and yes in deed it’s delightful! Mid range, deep red with a final note that’s like a chocolate in your mouth. *sigh* We’ll get through it. Lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’•

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  8. I have to lose weight. I know because when I sit down on the couch I can feel a dunlap. This only happened one other time and that was after chemo so I donโ€™t have an excuse this time. I canโ€™t do a Keto thing though. Iโ€™m like Clay there, I need my meat. I just need to stop the sweet snacking which I tend to get very involved with. Love your resolves. Looking forward to hearing more! ๐Ÿ’•

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    • Chemo? Bless your heart, you have stories to tell, yourself!
      Having had my thyroid removed certainly slowed my metabolism down and makes weight a bit trickier but having quit smoking only added to my sweet cravings, add a carb rich nutrient deficiant diet and I’ve put a few uncomfortable pounds on but mostly a very low carb diet seems to relieve a host of tummy issues and I just feel better. I don’t like the way “bread” no longer molds or goes stale….it’s unnatural! I’m definately ready to prepare for summer lake life attire. Keeping the menu interesting can be a challenge though. Wish me luck! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’•

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      • Stories? You have no clue! ๐Ÿ˜ณ I wish you all the luck. If I would just not hit the Dollar General once or twice a week. At their prices Hostess is actually affordable. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Iโ€™ve been told I really need to be in the Mediterranean diet. Iโ€™m not fond of nuts, fruits and basically vegetables so I donโ€™t think Iโ€™d do well! ๐Ÿ’•

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  9. Itโ€™s not really a โ€œresolutionโ€ but a necessity, the only true thing I need to do this year is get as close to God as possible. Other than this keep on my workout routine.

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      • It’s just deathly! I think it was very much a method of self medication for me. The nicotine directly hits the pleasure center of the brain so it helped relieve feelings of depression & anxiety long before I understood the dynamics of what I was experiencing or how to manage it.

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      • I stopped smoking by starting dipping. Then I started feeling like I had no gums left I had to quit both cold turkey.

        They say when you stop smoking you gain at least 15-20 pounds. Thatโ€™s very true! Lol!! But thatโ€™s where the workout routine comes in.
        And at now, what? $5-$6 a pack or more? No thanks, Iโ€™ll just be fat. Lol..

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      • Hahaha yes indeed! Thus the diet portion of my post. Lol Lord love ya for being able to pull off cold Turkey though! That’s so difficult to pull off. I had tried, the gum, the patch, chewing tobacco for Pete’s sake! I tried Chantix and was very nearly one of the hundreds that committed suicide. Horrible side effects! Cold Turkey several times and usually just lost my will to live by day 3. Lol. Vaping has definately been my answer just when I’d began to think that I didn’t have one. ๐Ÿ˜Š

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      • I hear so many things about vaping… like itโ€™s worse than smoking. But I donโ€™t think you inhale like a regular cigarette do you?

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      • I’m pretty sure those things are propaganda put out by the tobacco companies. My mom was real panicky because of those FB posts so I researched it. 1st, I discussed it with my physician who not only approved but supported. Vaping is water vapor thus not tar which is what sludges up the lungs. The chemical that causes “popcorn lung” ( according to the American medical association)…first of all, that’s a rare condition often found in workers in chemical plants, secondly, cigarettes have 100 times the amount of it than vape. 3rdly, you control the nicotine and can reduce it where as with cigarettes you can’t.
        “Light” cigarettes refer to light flavor only not reduced nicotine. The best they’ve got in negative advertising is that teens are vaping and could lead to cigarette use. ๐Ÿคจ it seems as though teens who are not legal to purchase tabacco products wouldn’t be allowed to by vape products ( which they arent. That’s just more tabacco company advertising) when they are vaping, someone of age bought it.

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      • Is that the price of cigarettes in the States? ๐Ÿ˜ฑ
        I think a ready made pack of 20-25 cigarettes here in NZ (or Australia) is about $30+! Can you imagine the saving for a ‘pack a day’ smoker? That’s a darned good holiday right there!

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      • Whoa! That’d sure ge incentive to never start in the first place at this prices! And we think $6.00 a pack of 20 is robbery! Lol when I first started, I bought a pack of cigarettes with my school lunch money for 50 cents!

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