Non-resolution: Owning My Crap

Have you made any resolutions this year? Many do, most don’t fulfill them statistically and others don’t bother for that exact reason. In 2017 my resolution was to stop smoking by way of vaping where I could systematically reduce the nicotine. I started smoking at 13 and being that I was turning 55 in a couple weeks… that’s a long time!

January 1, 2017, I smoked my last cigarette. Smoking is my only true vice and having started at the highest nicotine 30mg, back when that was still legal, worked my way down to dropping my dosage to 3mg! Nowhere left to go from there except to 0mg.

There were some real positive effects from the switch. First and most importantly, within days, the frightening, constant, wracking cough that I’d developed in the months prior had vanished! I could breath and began to get physically active again, taking up a sport, Pickleball.

Does this mean that I’ll be taking up jogging? Heck no! (Trying to keep right with Jesus! See post link below) The next to recover were the senses of taste and smell. I’ll just be honest with you, smelling is overrated. Most things stink! Lord, I can smell a smoker from a mile away and dog food a block away in a sealed container! Eck!

Owning my crap. About 2 yrs later, I started smoking again. I guess it doesn’t really matter why because owning your crap means No More Excuses. There’s a saying: A man given to making excuses is rarely good for anything else. I tend to agree.

January 1st of this year, I jumping back on that horse. Bereft of my go-to for dealing with stress during those first few highly stressful days ahead, ya’ll may consider sending a prayer or 7, this way. Oh not for me…for my husband! Lord help him!

Life According To Laura: Running

While I tend to think of it more as goal setting, this year I do have a list. I want to do a happiness project. Are you stunned? I have such a funny outlook on life, given to bouts of hysteria and overall shenanigans.

The truth of it is, that I suffer from depression and anxiety so when I’m feeling well, I grab onto life and laughter with both hands, wringing out all the joy I can before the darkness falls on me again.

I realize that I haven’t mentioned this before but it’s simply not what I want my blog to be about. There are plenty enough of those out there. I don’t want a pity party nor do I want it to define my life or control it. I deal with it, you don’t have to but if I ever feel like I’m sinking or losing, I will speak it, agreed?

I manage my depression without medication though D3 is important, especially since my thyroid removal. I’ve learned that the feelings aren’t real but rather a biochemical issue, that I don’t need to rationalize the sadness nor try to attach the sadness like blame to anything, situation or person and to accept it for what it is with the knowledge that it won’t last forever.

One of the tools I use to manage depression is prayer. I start my mornings having a cup of coffee and conversation with God. My morning conversation consists of counting blessings one by one and thanking Him for each.

Thank you Father for providing me with a home, shelter, for clean water…thank you for warmth in the winter and cool in the midst of summers heat….thank you for choosing me as unlovable as I am and loving me in spite of myself…etc. It helps to redirect my emotions from sadness to gratitude. And let’s be honest, telling God how my hard my life is, is like….

That being said, I read this statement which gave me pause to think…

Real relationships come with real rights and real responsibility = duty
When someone says “I dont have any strong relationships.” I ask, to what degree are you engaging with the responsibilities that accompany real relationship? Duty implies responsibility = implies real relationship.

Therefore, I’m going to be engaging more with the responsibilities involved with my relationship with God.

Clay and I are beginning a journey of health and vitality. Only God knows the number of days He’s allotted to us but I do believe that to some degree, we can choose how we live them. We can spend them aged beyond our years, sickly and feeble or we can take care of the bodies we were blessed with and live our best lives.

We are going back to Keto or at least dropping the carbs. This will be a huge switch, more so for me than mister carnivore. As you know I have a huge sweet tooth and momma likes to bake! I do not know what will happen to me with the absence of gummy bears! D3 and LOTS of prayer!

This diet is ideal for Clay though. He’s such a meat eater that instead of a wife, I feel like a single mother of 1, hiding vegetables under his meat! I once told him that if he passed away before I did that I would become a vegetarian. He’s such a meat eater that my statement literally made him mad! Lol

Next goal, I need to work on nurturing my husband. It’s easy with time and age to become complacent, lazy, selfish.

Since Clay retired, he has really gotten in my lane and I’ve gotten real annoyed with him encroaching upon my territory. He’s decorating the house!!!! He actually bought all new christmas decorations too! I could just choke him.

The guy who hasn’t made his own plate in 15 years is standing in my kitchen telling me how to cook, knowing I have a knife! I told him I thought he may have grown a uterus. (or something along that line. *wink*) and we may need to get him a hysterectomy for his own good.

I’ve become impatient with him when what he needs is my understanding, that after a lifetime of working to provide for the family and now retiring, he doesn’t quite know where his lane and realm of rule is anymore.

His identity as a man has been so closely associated with his career, role as the provider and his self worth wound tightly within that frame that he’s now unsure of his identity and worth. It’s a difficult adjustment for him and he deserves my help, support, patience, understanding and my bolstering.

I need to assure him of his worth, his invaluable nature in my life. I need to help him realize that all those things were merely a distraction that drew his focus from the true source of his worth and identity …the Lord, and I’m going to do better at providing these.

There it is, the non-resolution goals for this year. I’m sure there are others that I’ll incorporate along the way and surely you will be reading about them too as you know I’m a chronic oversharer. Are you setting goals? I’d love to hear all about them! Until then, Blog On, friends!

Always With Love – Laura 💕